Becoming a Swinger
Reasons for Swinging
It is generally felt that you can
divide swingers into those who participate for recreational and those who participate for
utopian reasons. Recreational swingers see swinging as a social activity much like
bowling, playing tennis and cards. Utopian swingers have a general philosophy of
communitarianism and wish to share not only sex but all other aspects of life with their
At this time there are relatively few scientific
data that indicate what long-term effect swinging actually has on marriages. Nevertheless
there is a general belief among swingers that swinging has a positive effect upon a
marriage. They believe that sexual fidelity is harmful and breeds jealousy and a feeling
of ownership between a husband and wife. According to them swinging does away with
jealousy and helps each mate see the other as an individual and not as a possession.
Another reason for participating in swinging is boredom with marital sex. Swingers feel
that it is impossible tor one person to satisfy another sexually over an extended period
of time. Swinging is seen as a method of adding new excitement to the marriage, perhaps
even salvaging it. Most swingers know couples who have tried to salvage a bad marriage by
swinging, but they argue that this generally has not been very successful. Most swingers
believe that swinging alone cannot save a bad marriage. They do believe that it can
strengthen a good marriage.
There may be deeper psychological reasons for
swinging. It is believed that men may need to translate early sexual fantasies into
reality and that women may be fulfilling social-romantic needs. Some believe that because
of the marginality of the new middle class, they seek experiences with others in order to
feel they belong. They participate in swinging to develop social ties and to satisfy the
need tor sexual fulfillment that is a result of their restrictive middle-class
backgrounds. Swinging gives them an opportunity to do both without disrupting their
All reasons, whether social, psychological, or
sociological, are at the present time only speculation. One could easily conclude that the
reasons for participating in swinging are as varied as swingers themselves.
Etiquette In Swinging
(Common Sense and Social Courtesy)
The following article was written by
Kenn & Lisa P.O. Box 246, Alameda, CA 94501
All of us want to be successful as swingers. It
doesn't matter how often, with whom, where, or in what style we swing. One of the nicest
things about our lifestyle is that most of us relate to each other with understanding,
thoughtfulness, and common courtesy; just as we ourselves wish to be treated. Think
C.S.A.S.C. (Common Sense and Social Courtesy). If you employ the following suggestions or
adapt them to your own situation, you should become a welcome participant.
1. BE COURTEOUS
Be aware that this is a lifestyle full of
insecurities, uncertainties and fears. Courteously is how we all want to be treated - with
kindness, thoughtfulness, understanding and sensitivity. In essence, courtesy is our
treating people the way we ourselves want to be treated. Remember the Golden and Silver
2. BE FRIENDLY
Whether or not you are personally interested in
swinging with someone, be polite. You never know, you may share many other interests or
you may meet that person again, and they may introduce you to someone with whom you ARE
compatible and do wish to share time.
3. RESPOND TO ALL INVITATIONS
RSVP means please reply to the invitation. It does
NOT mean reply only if you plan to attend. The most frustrating part of hosting, be it a
party, a group or another couple, is people who are discourteous enough not to respond,
PERIOD. Good etiquette and good social courtesy DEMAND you respond, by either calling or
writing to say yes OR no.
4. NEVER ARRIVE EMPTY HANDED
When you go to someone's home for a party, ask if
there is something you can bring. (it's amazing how many supplies, other than food are
used up at an average party.) If you are not going as a couple, a house- gift is
appropriate (and not necessarily wine.)
5. GO PREPARED
Take whatever you personally are going to need with
you. Carry a small overnight bag for lingerie or robe, hairbrush, comb, toothbrush,
cologne, intimate cleansing articles, condoms, etc. If you plan to stay over, sleeping
bags or blankets and pillows are necessities.
Nothing turns a person off faster and more
effectively than an unclean body or unfresh breath. Even if you shower and perfume
yourself before you leave home, it is always a good idea to freshen up again when you
arrive at your destination. It is amazing what time to drive somewhere, stop for a bite,
or whatever, can do or rather UNDO.
7. RESPECT OTHERS' FEELINGS
Beware, not everyone is comfortable in all
situations, Keep your eyes open for signs that your partner, as well as others, is relaxed
and enjoying themselves. If someone is not comfortable, try helping them over the rough
spots. Remember, you were a beginner once yourself. If it is obvious that things are not
working out, remain polite and courteous; but alert the host. Keep in mind that not all
people feel the same about things.
8. DON'T BE PUSHY
If you are interested in swinging with someone, let
them know in an inviting way; if they are interested, they will respond positively. If
they are not and say "No, thank you," do not ask WHY. No amount of sweet talk or
coercion on your part will change their mind and will probably work against you. Everyone
has the right to say "NO" at all times, to anyone, without explanation. Do not
ever forget that.
9. ONLY DO WHAT IS FUN FOR YOU
Do not allow yourself to become sexually involved
with anybody that you are not interested in. There is no reason to involve yourself in a
scene that you are not comfortable with. You are in the lifestyle to enjoy yourself, so
only do what you want, when you want and with whom you want.
10. HOW AND WHY TO SAY NO
One of the basic etiquettes in swinging is the
right of anyone to say "No". Experience has taught most people that everybody is
not right for everybody else. Improper handling of a situation, however, can lead to a lot
of hurt or very bad feelings. The swing world accepts the premise that everyone has the
right to say "No" to anyone at anytime and it should be done with a simple
"No, thank you". Never give an explanation, because that is what usually causes
the problems and the pain.
11. ALCOHOL OR DRUGS
Most of us do not use drugs, although some
of us drink socially. At times, a few drinks are nice to help you "relax".
Over-indulging may hamper your physical abilities, as well as offend or turn other people
off to you. If you have to over indulge in order to participate in swinging, you are
involved in the wrong lifestyle.
12. PRACTICE SAFER SEX
is up to us to protect ourselves as well as our partners. With the present concern over
sexually transmitted diseases such as syphilis, gonorrhea, aids, yeast infection, etc.,
the use of condoms should not offend anybody. Anyone not willing to take this precaution
is acting selfishly and irresponsibly. You are not being accused of being unclean, but
simply someone wishes to provide you both with protection.
13. CALL TO SAY THANKS
Most people only use the telephone if they are
going to go somewhere. Lost seems to the social ambiance of a 'Thank-You Note' or phone
call to someone whose hospitality you enjoyed. It means a lot to most people, and they
will surely remember you when planning their next event. Don't you like to be thanked?
14. BE GOOD HOSTS
When you have people coming to your home, try to
anticipate their needs: put clean sheets on the beds; keep plenty of clean washcloths and
towels available. Show your guests through the house so that they will know where the
bathrooms, kitchen, and other rooms are located.
15. ANSWERING ADS
All replies to an ad should be answered in two
weeks even if it is a No. Remember not all people you write to are interested in you or
your partners sexual heroics. A first letter should include a brief description of
yourselves, where you saw the ad, your ad number and your social and sexual interests. An
SASE should be included with your original reply as many couples receive a large number of
replies which can be costly to reply to.
16. ENJOY YOURSELF
Most important, have a good time, act out your
fantasies, explore your own sexuality and enjoy everything this lifestyle has to offer
with enthusiasm, laughter and a positive attitude.
SWINGING at On-Premise Clubs and
RELAX and GET ACQUAINTED
When at an on-premise club or swing house party,
you are there to have the best of times and to share the uninhibited enjoyment associated
with those who have discovered a new dimension in their lifestyles. Once you have become
familiar with the surroundings and staff members or host/hostess, try to become as at ease
as you would be at any other social gathering. Don't hesitate to introduce yourselves to
other people. You'll find them eager to welcome you and to help you blend into their
circle of sincere comraderie.
SOME TIPS ON ETIQUETTE
While you are advised to be congenial and outgoing,
don't be "pushy". Many couples who are new to "swinging" often have
unrealistic expectations and are not prepared to handle rejections that may sometimes
occur. Freshly showered, perfumed, and neatly dressed people make more contacts. Don't let
your personal physical idiosyncrasies stop you from having a good time. No one is perfect
[although it is common for new "swingers" to see others as more attractive or
more verbal as themselves]. Don't let your own mind be your worst enemy. Be prepared to
handle rejection but don't take it personally. It is important to remember that
is the right of every individual and to 'respect
that right' is only common courtesy. Learn how to accept "no thank you"
graciously. Your approach -- which should be the same as it would be at any social setting
-- is a key factor to your acceptance as a desirable partner/friend. There are several
variations to "swinging" and it is important that you and your mate decide, in
advance, those which you like and dislike. Some couples prefer to be alone, while others
prefer to be with other couples. Establish your own ground rules, but please decide on
them BEFORE you start "swinging".
JOIN THE CONVERSATION
Some people will probably "break the ice"
by introducing themselves, along with other couples they know. It's their way of making
you feel at home. Feel free to join their conversation and you'll find that most of them
will be happy to answer any questions you may have about the "swinging"
lifestyle. Be open and honest. Tell them that you are new to "swinging" and
you'll discover how helpful people can be.
START OFF ON THE RIGHT FOOT
On your first venture into the swinging scene, you
may feel somewhat uneasy about seeing your mate with someone else. Some
"swingers" want to share swinging with their mate and feel uneasy having their
mate leave to another room with someone. Everyone has their own reasons for their feelings
and all feelings are real and should be respected. To avoid embarrassment or
disillusionment, discuss your inhibitions with your mate beforehand. Both of you may be
more comfortable after talking to other couples and learning how they handled their first
Jealousy In Swinging
Generally, swingers do not show jealousy on the
surface. Most swingers argue that this is because by going to parties together and leaving
together, they realize their commitment to each other as a couple. Thus, they do not feel
threatened because the other partner has gone into another room to have sexual relations
with another individual. One such swinger said, "We both know that each of us have
experiences with other people and, yet, we come back to each other because we want to be
together" They feel that this gives you a feeling of security that you never had
before because you feel and know that the partner is coming back to you even though they
have had a sexual relationship with someone else. They feel that this builds up
self-confidence and security. For a couple to engage in swinging, they must throw off the
belief that having sexual relations outside of marriage is improper; they must break the
shackles of the double standard. That is, the wife will be having sexual relations with
other males much as the male may have had sexual relations outside the marriage with
another partner previously. Swinging for most women changes their view of the world and
sexual relations. Many argue that it has made a complete turn-around in their life from
the way they viewed the world two or three years before swinging. In attempting to
determine what causes some women to go into swinging, I have already noted that many are
urged by their husbands and others go into swinging to carry out their fantasies. One such
woman I interviewed reported that she finally acquiesced in going to a swinging party
saying that she would not participate but would be willing to go and observe, have dinner
and a drink or two.