Becoming a Swinger

Reasons for Swinging

It is generally felt that you can divide swingers into those who participate for recreational and those who participate for utopian reasons. Recreational swingers see swinging as a social activity much like bowling, playing tennis and cards. Utopian swingers have a general philosophy of communitarianism and wish to share not only sex but all other aspects of life with their fellow participants.

At this time there are relatively few scientific data that indicate what long-term effect swinging actually has on marriages. Nevertheless there is a general belief among swingers that swinging has a positive effect upon a marriage. They believe that sexual fidelity is harmful and breeds jealousy and a feeling of ownership between a husband and wife. According to them swinging does away with jealousy and helps each mate see the other as an individual and not as a possession. Another reason for participating in swinging is boredom with marital sex. Swingers feel that it is impossible tor one person to satisfy another sexually over an extended period of time. Swinging is seen as a method of adding new excitement to the marriage, perhaps even salvaging it. Most swingers know couples who have tried to salvage a bad marriage by swinging, but they argue that this generally has not been very successful. Most swingers believe that swinging alone cannot save a bad marriage. They do believe that it can strengthen a good marriage.

There may be deeper psychological reasons for swinging. It is believed that men may need to translate early sexual fantasies into reality and that women may be fulfilling social-romantic needs. Some believe that because of the marginality of the new middle class, they seek experiences with others in order to feel they belong. They participate in swinging to develop social ties and to satisfy the need tor sexual fulfillment that is a result of their restrictive middle-class backgrounds. Swinging gives them an opportunity to do both without disrupting their general lifestyle.

All reasons, whether social, psychological, or sociological, are at the present time only speculation. One could easily conclude that the reasons for participating in swinging are as varied as swingers themselves.

Etiquette In Swinging

(Common Sense and Social Courtesy)

The following article was written by Kenn & Lisa P.O. Box 246, Alameda, CA 94501

All of us want to be successful as swingers. It doesn't matter how often, with whom, where, or in what style we swing. One of the nicest things about our lifestyle is that most of us relate to each other with understanding, thoughtfulness, and common courtesy; just as we ourselves wish to be treated. Think C.S.A.S.C. (Common Sense and Social Courtesy). If you employ the following suggestions or adapt them to your own situation, you should become a welcome participant.

1. BE COURTEOUS

Be aware that this is a lifestyle full of insecurities, uncertainties and fears. Courteously is how we all want to be treated - with kindness, thoughtfulness, understanding and sensitivity. In essence, courtesy is our treating people the way we ourselves want to be treated. Remember the Golden and Silver rules.

2. BE FRIENDLY

Whether or not you are personally interested in swinging with someone, be polite. You never know, you may share many other interests or you may meet that person again, and they may introduce you to someone with whom you ARE compatible and do wish to share time.

3. RESPOND TO ALL INVITATIONS

RSVP means please reply to the invitation. It does NOT mean reply only if you plan to attend. The most frustrating part of hosting, be it a party, a group or another couple, is people who are discourteous enough not to respond, PERIOD. Good etiquette and good social courtesy DEMAND you respond, by either calling or writing to say yes OR no.

4. NEVER ARRIVE EMPTY HANDED

When you go to someone's home for a party, ask if there is something you can bring. (it's amazing how many supplies, other than food are used up at an average party.) If you are not going as a couple, a house- gift is appropriate (and not necessarily wine.)

5. GO PREPARED

Take whatever you personally are going to need with you. Carry a small overnight bag for lingerie or robe, hairbrush, comb, toothbrush, cologne, intimate cleansing articles, condoms, etc. If you plan to stay over, sleeping bags or blankets and pillows are necessities.

6. CLEANLINESS

Nothing turns a person off faster and more effectively than an unclean body or unfresh breath. Even if you shower and perfume yourself before you leave home, it is always a good idea to freshen up again when you arrive at your destination. It is amazing what time to drive somewhere, stop for a bite, or whatever, can do or rather UNDO.

7. RESPECT OTHERS' FEELINGS

Beware, not everyone is comfortable in all situations, Keep your eyes open for signs that your partner, as well as others, is relaxed and enjoying themselves. If someone is not comfortable, try helping them over the rough spots. Remember, you were a beginner once yourself. If it is obvious that things are not working out, remain polite and courteous; but alert the host. Keep in mind that not all people feel the same about things.

8. DON'T BE PUSHY

If you are interested in swinging with someone, let them know in an inviting way; if they are interested, they will respond positively. If they are not and say "No, thank you," do not ask WHY. No amount of sweet talk or coercion on your part will change their mind and will probably work against you. Everyone has the right to say "NO" at all times, to anyone, without explanation. Do not ever forget that.

9. ONLY DO WHAT IS FUN FOR YOU

Do not allow yourself to become sexually involved with anybody that you are not interested in. There is no reason to involve yourself in a scene that you are not comfortable with. You are in the lifestyle to enjoy yourself, so only do what you want, when you want and with whom you want.

10. HOW AND WHY TO SAY NO

One of the basic etiquettes in swinging is the right of anyone to say "No". Experience has taught most people that everybody is not right for everybody else. Improper handling of a situation, however, can lead to a lot of hurt or very bad feelings. The swing world accepts the premise that everyone has the right to say "No" to anyone at anytime and it should be done with a simple "No, thank you". Never give an explanation, because that is what usually causes the problems and the pain.

11. ALCOHOL OR DRUGS

Most of us do not use drugs, although some of us drink socially. At times, a few drinks are nice to help you "relax". Over-indulging may hamper your physical abilities, as well as offend or turn other people off to you. If you have to over indulge in order to participate in swinging, you are involved in the wrong lifestyle.

12. PRACTICE SAFER SEX

It is up to us to protect ourselves as well as our partners. With the present concern over sexually transmitted diseases such as syphilis, gonorrhea, aids, yeast infection, etc., the use of condoms should not offend anybody. Anyone not willing to take this precaution is acting selfishly and irresponsibly. You are not being accused of being unclean, but simply someone wishes to provide you both with protection.

13. CALL TO SAY THANKS

Most people only use the telephone if they are going to go somewhere. Lost seems to the social ambiance of a 'Thank-You Note' or phone call to someone whose hospitality you enjoyed. It means a lot to most people, and they will surely remember you when planning their next event. Don't you like to be thanked?

14. BE GOOD HOSTS

When you have people coming to your home, try to anticipate their needs: put clean sheets on the beds; keep plenty of clean washcloths and towels available. Show your guests through the house so that they will know where the bathrooms, kitchen, and other rooms are located.

15. ANSWERING ADS

All replies to an ad should be answered in two weeks even if it is a No. Remember not all people you write to are interested in you or your partners sexual heroics. A first letter should include a brief description of yourselves, where you saw the ad, your ad number and your social and sexual interests. An SASE should be included with your original reply as many couples receive a large number of replies which can be costly to reply to.

16. ENJOY YOURSELF

Most important, have a good time, act out your fantasies, explore your own sexuality and enjoy everything this lifestyle has to offer with enthusiasm, laughter and a positive attitude.

SWINGING at On-Premise Clubs and House Parties...

RELAX and GET ACQUAINTED

When at an on-premise club or swing house party, you are there to have the best of times and to share the uninhibited enjoyment associated with those who have discovered a new dimension in their lifestyles. Once you have become familiar with the surroundings and staff members or host/hostess, try to become as at ease as you would be at any other social gathering. Don't hesitate to introduce yourselves to other people. You'll find them eager to welcome you and to help you blend into their circle of sincere comraderie.

SOME TIPS ON ETIQUETTE

While you are advised to be congenial and outgoing, don't be "pushy". Many couples who are new to "swinging" often have unrealistic expectations and are not prepared to handle rejections that may sometimes occur. Freshly showered, perfumed, and neatly dressed people make more contacts. Don't let your personal physical idiosyncrasies stop you from having a good time. No one is perfect [although it is common for new "swingers" to see others as more attractive or more verbal as themselves]. Don't let your own mind be your worst enemy. Be prepared to handle rejection but don't take it personally. It is important to remember that

PERSONAL CHOICE

is the right of every individual and to 'respect that right' is only common courtesy. Learn how to accept "no thank you" graciously. Your approach -- which should be the same as it would be at any social setting -- is a key factor to your acceptance as a desirable partner/friend. There are several variations to "swinging" and it is important that you and your mate decide, in advance, those which you like and dislike. Some couples prefer to be alone, while others prefer to be with other couples. Establish your own ground rules, but please decide on them BEFORE you start "swinging".

JOIN THE CONVERSATION

Some people will probably "break the ice" by introducing themselves, along with other couples they know. It's their way of making you feel at home. Feel free to join their conversation and you'll find that most of them will be happy to answer any questions you may have about the "swinging" lifestyle. Be open and honest. Tell them that you are new to "swinging" and you'll discover how helpful people can be.

START OFF ON THE RIGHT FOOT

On your first venture into the swinging scene, you may feel somewhat uneasy about seeing your mate with someone else. Some "swingers" want to share swinging with their mate and feel uneasy having their mate leave to another room with someone. Everyone has their own reasons for their feelings and all feelings are real and should be respected. To avoid embarrassment or disillusionment, discuss your inhibitions with your mate beforehand. Both of you may be more comfortable after talking to other couples and learning how they handled their first "swinging" session.

Jealousy In Swinging

Generally, swingers do not show jealousy on the surface. Most swingers argue that this is because by going to parties together and leaving together, they realize their commitment to each other as a couple. Thus, they do not feel threatened because the other partner has gone into another room to have sexual relations with another individual. One such swinger said, "We both know that each of us have experiences with other people and, yet, we come back to each other because we want to be together" They feel that this gives you a feeling of security that you never had before because you feel and know that the partner is coming back to you even though they have had a sexual relationship with someone else. They feel that this builds up self-confidence and security. For a couple to engage in swinging, they must throw off the belief that having sexual relations outside of marriage is improper; they must break the shackles of the double standard. That is, the wife will be having sexual relations with other males much as the male may have had sexual relations outside the marriage with another partner previously. Swinging for most women changes their view of the world and sexual relations. Many argue that it has made a complete turn-around in their life from the way they viewed the world two or three years before swinging. In attempting to determine what causes some women to go into swinging, I have already noted that many are urged by their husbands and others go into swinging to carry out their fantasies. One such woman I interviewed reported that she finally acquiesced in going to a swinging party saying that she would not participate but would be willing to go and observe, have dinner and a drink or two.